Depression
by Ano Saa
Summary: A very dark Iruka.


After the last student had pushed his way through the door to begin the weekend, Iruka quietly packed up a few papers to grade and headed back to his apartment. He walked slowly, realizing that no matter what he did, no matter what he said some of the faces from his class today would graduate and inevitably die on missions. As a ninja he was supposed to accept this as a way of life but today that acceptance was not coming easily. Iruka's mood already dark, continued to darken as he walked home to his empty apartment. The same empty apartment that he had been walking home to for the last eight years. Tonight he could really use someone to talk to..someone to help him seem to shake the darkness he had been feeling more and more the last few months. He wondered if anything he did really made much difference at all. He did love teaching but some part of his heart could not accept the fact that he was helping to turn innocent children into warriors, assassins, thieves and casualties. 

Iruka placed the papers he should grade on the table moved silently to the bathroom. He splashed some water on his face and looked into the mirror. How did his life become so empty? It seemed like he had been alone his entire life and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't seem to smile any more. "I'm a ninja, dammit. I'm not supposed to feel this way." He leaned against the wall and began to cry.

When the tears finally stopped he moved to the bedroom opened a drawer and removed a small brown envelope from under a pile of clothes. Disgusted with himself he opened the package and removed the small piece of sweet smelling brown putty from the envelope and carried it to the kitchen. He grabbed a saucer from the cupboard and place the brown gooey substance in the middle, lighting it with a match then quickly covering the flaming goo with a glass to put the flame out and allow the glass to fill with smoke. He watched as the purple smoke swirled and thickly filled the glass. Self disgust turning to self loathing as he lifted the edge of the glass just enough to inhale the smoke inside. Holding his breath and allowing himself to slide down to the floor as the world dimmed a bit and his vision blurred slightly. In a couple minutes his body began to tingle and the haze filled his brain dimming the pain just a little.

He sat there, on the floor for a very long time..

Tsunade sat quietly behind her desk filled with the usual pile of reports to be read. She sighed deeply, staring off into space. Iruka was one of the best instructors at the academy but recently she had been receiving some disturbing reports that mentioned an increasing lack of focus. Reports of classes started late and ended early a bit too often. There were reports of mood swings and even a few arguments. If it was anyone else she wouldn't give it much thought but it was Iruka. Iruka who seemed born to mold young lives. Iruka with such innner strength and brightness of spirit. Iruka who exhibited such joy with each child's success and pain with each and every one of their failures. She knew that he had been very close to Naruto who was off doing extended training with Jiriya . She also knew that he had considered the Third to be a close personal friend and though the loss was hard on everyone, it was devastating to Iruka.

Kakashi was escorted into the hokage's office. "Yo Tsunade-sama".

"Kakashi, I need to you to look into a matter here in Konoha. I want you to find out what's going on with Iruka. I have been receiving reports that have me a bit concerned and we cannot afford to lose the best instructor we have at the academy. "

Kakashi looked blankly at Tunade. " Isn't there someone else a bit more qualified for that mission?"

"Right now you are the only one available..and you have my complete confidence in this matter."

"Hai". Kakashi vanished in the usual jounin puff of smoke.

Kakashi tried to think of everything he knew about Iruka. Let's see, he is an academy instructor..that tends to be over-protective of former students. Naruto had often talked about Iruka and Kakashi got the impression that Naruto was closer to Iruka than anyone else in Konoha. Kakashi had always sensed that much of Naruto's compassion and inner strength came from his relationship with Iruka. Iruka was also chuunin. Not much to start with. Kakashi headed off in the direction of Iruka's apartment to find a good vantage point from which to observe.

Iruka dragged himself off the floor, hopped out the window and climbed up to the roof. Almost losing his footing in a very un-ninjalike way thanks to the lingering affects of the purple smoke. He sat on the edge of the roof looking out towards the stone faces of those who built Konoha. 'Old man, I miss you. You always seemed to make things seem a little clearer.' Iruka felt the tears start again. More than anything else right now he felt angry. Angry that he couldn't stop the tears, angry that he was so weak, angry that fate had left him alone yet again. Slowly he reached behind him to withdraw a kunai. He studied the the blade and slowly brought the tip to his wrist. He traced along the vain from his wrist to his elbow, applying just enough pressure to release a few small drops of blood as he continued to trace along the path of the vain. He set the kunai down next to him and slammed his fist into the roof again and again turning his knuckles into a bloody mess.

Iruka looked out into the darkness. " Did Tsunade tell you to watch me?." It was a guess, but not much of one as he knew nothing was private when you lived in a village of trained spies.

Kakashi jumped on to the roof with Iruka. "Let me see your hands."

Iruka held out his hands quietly. He had done a pretty good job of removing most of the skin from the knuckles on his right hand and blood still dripped from the long scratch along the inside of his left arm. He abruptly jumped up and headed back to the window and into his apartment. Kakashi followed. Once inside Iruka walked over to couch and collapsed.

Kakashi quickly scanned the room, locating the bathroom and finding a washcloth and some bandages.

"Kakashi-san, get out of my apartment", Iruka growled.

Kakashi carried the washcloth and bandages into the living room and sat down next to Iruka. " Please, hold out your hand, Iruka-san."

Iruka didn't move. Kakashi moved to the floor in front of Iruka and reached for Iruka's hand, gently lifting it, cleaning and wrapping the damaged knuckles. He then reached for the other hand to examine the long scratch. Iruka jumped up and swung hard at the jounin who easily pushed the punch aside and grabbed the left hand turning the palm up, wiping the dried blood off the inside of his arm. Kakashi returned the washcloth to the bathroom, carefully rinsing and hanging it up, then walked back to the living room and sat down next to Iruka.

"Are you ever going to leave?" Iruka turned his head to glare at the silver haired jounin.

"Seems to me that you could use some company. So you got any sake?"

"It is Friday night, don't you have anything better to do than harass a lowly chuunin?"

Iruka stood up and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a match and and attempting to re-light the mostly charred mass of goo and successfully releasing a bit more purple smoke which he quickly inhaled. He grabbed a bottle of sake from the counter and a couple of glasses and returned to the living room. He poured sake into one glass setting the bottle and the other glass down in front of Kakashi. Kakashi grabbed the bottle and poured some sake into the glass and quickly downed it. He refilled his glass and Iruka's.

* * *

_I'__m not so sure I like this first chapter but I will see where it goes... Not sure if I'm going to continue with this one or not.  
_


End file.
